Pope Replaced--Editor Departs

Reams of newspaper stories and editorial pleadings (Thursday's editorial) have had their effect. The College of Cardinals, on whose shoulders the task of selecting a new pope rests, have given in to demands that they name a pope who will follow the dictates of his flock. Historically, educated and tested leaders have resisted the urge to follow. All that is about to change; much like modern universities and newsrooms, where a wide variety of thought exists co-equally. Consequently, instead of a single pope, the position will consist of a committee of popes--three of whom must be 'different gendered' and one from the Sierra Club. The Sierra Club anticipated the move and named their executive director to the position.

A faxblast announcing the naming of the new popes--the telltale puff of toxic white smoke having given way to anti-pollution laws--was followed by Cardinal Ratzinger's public statement. "As many of you know from reading press accounts, the Catholic Church has failed to keep up with sweeping social changes. We have decided to loosen up and in days to come these should become apparent. For one, modern technology, coupled with the entertainment industry, has allowed us to move from a top down to a bottom up mentality. The success of wireless voting on American Idol should prove useful--and fun!"

Owing to her insightful analysis of the failings of Pope John Paul II, the Vatican announced the appointment of Diana Diamond, recently of California, to the newly created position of message coordinator. Diamond will begin by assembling a 'message team' from members of the American Society of Newpaper Editors (ASNE), the BBC and China Daily.